Today I am so thankful for the Plan of Salvation. I was able to attend a funeral of a family friend this morning and was so grateful for the knowledge that I have. I know that she is with her husband and family members and I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for each of us. Journee's 2nd birthday would have been this past Saturday. It is a bitter sweet feeling when I think of my two angels. I am so thankful that I have 2 perfect children waiting for me, but I am sad that they are not with me. I wonder if that will ever pass. I love my family's dynamics now. We work well together and I can't wait until I meet with my whole family one day in the presence of my Savior.

The Best Quote Ever!!

Russell M. Nelson
"Parents who have surrendered the sweetest and smallest flowers from the family's garden need to remember our Heavenly Father. He has promised a special reward to those who now suffer in silence, who spend long days and longer nights through their trying times of bereavement. Our Creator has promised glory. He said, "For after much tribulation come the blessings. Wherefore the day cometh that ye shall be crowned with much glory; the hour is not yet, but nigh at hand." (D&C 58:4) That promised glory includes the blessing of reunion with each child who has left the family circle to help surviving members of the family to draw nearer to God. Those children still live and are a heritage to the Lord."

Thankful Thursday

What a year!! In the last 12 months, Charlee started Kindergarten, We prepared for and buried two of the best babies ever who deserve to be here with us, My parents have gotten a divorce after 30 years, I sold and moved out of my dream home that I designed and built with the best husband ever... and I survived.

Today, I am thankful that I made it. I hope there are easier times to come. I love my kids. I would do anything for them so they don't have to feel pain. I am thankful for a great husband who lets me cry when I need to and also makes me be strong. I can do this. I already did this. I am thankful for my beliefs in the Gospel of Jesus Christ. That is truly how I made it through this year. All in all, I would rank this is my crappiest years yet!! I am sure there are better years to come!

It is hard not to feel dorky when you tear up at the drop of a hat. I feel like I am on the verge of crying about half of the time. I am very happy, but I feel like if I cry and let it out, I will completely loose it. I want to cry when I see the temple or think about the eternal spectrum of life. I cry when I think that people are pregnant and having babies and I will never do that again. I am so happy and content with my 3 beautiful children as well as my 2 perfect angels, but when I think about eternity, I am so humbled. I hope I can be good enough to make it to be with my angels. I know I have a little cheerleading section in heaven rooting for me. When I think of eternity, I feel like every little decision I make now is so important... How I raise my children, How I show love to my Fabulous husband. How I befriend people and share the gospel. These things are so important to me. I only hope I can be good enough at them here on Earth to earn the blessings in Heaven. I miss being pregnant. I miss the dorky little pregnancy count down clicker on the side of my blog. I miss Journee and Trevee, but I have so many things to be happy about as well. The song "I should have been a cowboy" was on the radio and Oaklee asked, "Dad, why does that boy want to be a cowboy?" Jaxson was going down for a nap and told the babysitter, "I only get water in my bottle. The dentist said NO MORE MILK!!". Charlee read 3 books with me today and did 4 timed addition tests. She loves to learn and she loves when I praise her for being so smart. She gives the best hugs and kisses, too. Brian took care of me all week without question or eye rolling. He loves me and I love him. He is truly my best friend (BFF). I have so much that I am thankful for... The tears just remind me of these things sometimes. :)

I Love The Temple

When I have a big decision to make, I like to go to the temple and ponder my question. I find it is easier to feel guidance from the Lord if I am in the quiet, lovely temple. I am scheduled to have surgery on Tuesday to have my tubes tied. I was not so sure of this decision. It tears me apart to think that there will be no more Barry babies, but I know that my body is not meant for having kids. In the temple with Brian, I realized that I have 3 beautiful children here as well as 2 little angels waiting for me in heaven. In our church, we believe that we have life before and after this life. We believe that we chose to come to this earth and have the challenges here to prove ourselves. Losing my babies was just another challenge and I am thankful for it. We believe that after we leave this earth, we will have a chance to learn and grow more. I will raise my sweet babies then. I will be able to add to my family then. People who can not have children in this life will be blessed to have children then, too. This is just what I believe. I do not think I could make the choice to end my child bearing options or live through a day without Journee or Trevee if I did not have faith in these principals. So, on to the doctor on Tuesday. I am most worried about not being able to eat for 8 hours. I get very grouchy if food is withheld from me.

A Rant From Scottee

So, I was telling Brian that I know that we don't need to have any more kids. I feel like there is no one else waiting to come down here to our family. After Trevee, I knew that Journee was waiting to come down here, but now I am at peace that we have all of our kids. I guess I may feel like someone is missing because 2 of my babies are not here on Earth with me. I don't mind seeing babies or pregnant women like I did after Trevee was born, but I still get bugged when people take these precious babies for granted. They are gifts from God and are his children. They need to be cherished and loved. I am guilty of yelling at my kids as all of us do on occasion, but we can't just think they come here easily. I don't like to see pregnant people smoke. Why does the drug abuser pregnant lady have a baby and I don't get to have my babies? Things like that bug me. Everyone, go hug your kids and be grateful that you have been entrusted to have them. Teach them the right way to be because you are accountable for it. Not for what they do in the long run, but for how we teach them. :)

Our New Ward Party

We had a party with our new ward tonight at the park. It was fun. I am excited to get to know new people. I love some of the houses in the new neighborhoods that are now in our ward boundaries. I am excited to go to testimony meeting tomorrow. I just love to feel the spirit and feel how much my Heavenly Father loves me:)

So, I think I figured it out... the unsure feeling... the doubt... the fear. I went into bed with Jax and Oaklee at 20 weeks and brought home 7 pound plus kids 16 weeks later, so why the fear in this pregnancy? I think it is because with them, the thought of failure never crossed my mind. I always knew that I would be able to do it. Trevee being born at 22 weeks was a fluke. It was not my fault, but it is so hard to remember it sometimes. I think discouragement, fear, and self doubt are Satan's tools to bring us down. I know that Journee is going to be okay. I have faith in blessings and the priesthood, but some days are harder to stay positive than others. 1 week down and I hope and pray for 18 more just like this:)

9 weeks

So, I am thinking that it is probably normal to second guess yourself after loosing a baby. Did I do something wrong? Could I have changed the outlook? For me, the question has been, What if I realized I was leaking amniotic fluid sooner? Could I have been on antibiotics and held on a little longer? I was reading in my new pregnancy book that babies at 23 weeks can survive and babies at 24 weeks have a 50- 50 chance of growing into a healthy child. Trevee was born at 22 weeks. I was so close. I know that Trevee was not supposed to come to this Earth at this time, but I am sad. I feel like I could have done more. I am sure this has to do with my crazy, pregnant lady hormones, but I still wonder. I was just so close. I hope I can be observant enough this pregnancy to know if something happens. I was taking the doctors words as threats (Words like "early bedrest" and "early hospitalization"), but my friend told me that he was reassuring me. He wants to be very proactive and get me a healthy baby. I am really excited to go along with my nerves and fears. I saw my little lima bean in ultrasound yesterday. He or She knows that they are already loved. I worry about the bond. I did not really bond with Trevee and I know now that Heavenly Father was helping me to cope with what he knew was coming. I really want to bond with this little guy or girl. Everything will go great!! I need to remind myself of this point daily. What is supposed to happen will. I have faith in that:)

Pretty fat for 8 Weeks!!

(I took the pic last week!)

Feeling Inspired- A Rant from Scottee

My visiting teachers shared a great message with me today and I wanted to share it here with my friends. The title is "Stand Strong and Immovable in Faith"
I wanted to share this passage with you:
Elder M. Russell Ballard says:
"Your testimony of Jesus Christ is the most important anchor that you can have to help hold you, steadfast and immovable, to principals of righteousness, regardless of the challenges and temptations that may come in the future."
I think of all the challenges that have come my way in the last few years and I am astounded that I made it through. I think of all of the blessings that have come in the last few years and my breathe is taken away. I am so blessed. Someone out there has it harder than I do. Many people have it harder than I do and I am so thankful for my testimony in Jesus Christ and the knowledge it gives me to help me to withstand and be grateful for my challenges. If you want to read the whole message, go to www.lds.org and click on the visiting teaching message for January. It is great!!

Ty's Funeral

My cousin, Tyrel, had his funeral on Saturday in Snowflake. It was a beautiful experience. It was sad to see him as Charlee says "in his box". It did not look like him at all. I guess that is because his sweet spirit was not in his body. It was just his shell. I did not like that part. It was sad to see his friends and family sad, but it seemed that everyone was okay with where he is. My Aunt and Uncle and one of my cousins read from Ty's journal. A week before he killed himself, he wrote something about wanting to die and being ready to go meet his Heavenly Father. He also talked about knowing that his family would be okay because they know the Plan of Salvation. I don't condone taking one's own life. His family does not condone it, either. It was comforting to hear that his sickness made him get to this point. I know that Heavenly Father will forgive my cousin. He was smart... so smart that I think he was a little too analytical and when he got sick, his smarts about the gospel clouded his views. He had a photographic memory. He could play the piano beautifully. He won the Arizona State Wrestling title with a broken finger and a ripped off toenail. I did not know these things before his funeral. I am so grateful that I was able to learn these things. I know he is at peace. I know that he is happy and free from his illness. I am happy for him and for his family. I am so happy that they have faith in the gospel. Without faith, I don't think I could handle some things that the Lord has sent me. I know I would not be having another baby without the faith that the Lord's will will be done. I don't want to lose another baby. I have a fear, but I know that I have constant comfort if I ask for it. I am so grateful for this faith.

I am so Blessed!

This weekend was a little sad for me and my family. My 25 year old cousin, Ty, died on Sunday morning. He was not well in the head and took his own life in what we can only assume was a very dark time for him. It makes me sad that some religions believe that if a person commits suicide that they go to hell. What kind of a Heavenly Father would do that to someone? He was sick and I know that Heavenly Father loves him and will continue to have mercy on him. He served a mission for our church in Oregon. He was the Arizona State High School wrestling champion. He was such a nice kid. He was handsome, smart, and well loved. It makes me sad that he is gone because he had so much potential. I will miss him and I ask for all of your prayers for my Aunt, Uncle, and 7 other cousins as they come to terms with the loss of a son, brother, and uncle. I think of how sad I still am over losing Trevee and I did not have 25 years to get to know her. I can't imagine losing one of my kids at that age and I hurt for everyone who has to go through that. I am so blessed to have the kids that I do here with me on Earth. I am so thankful for the opportunity that I had to get to know the real spirit of my cousin. I am thankful for the knowledge of the Plan of Salvation. I know where he is and I know he is safe, loved, and with my sweet baby Trevee.:)

Thinking of my angel.

So, Yesterday was our "Goal Date" for Trevee's birth. Her actual due date was December 31st, but the 3rd would have been about my limit. Oaklee was born at 35 weeks and weighed 7 pounds. Charlee and Jaxson were both born at 36 weeks via C-Section and weighed 7.7 and 7.14. I always go early, but 22 weeks was not enough. I am sad because I want a baby. I realized that I don't even want Trevee necessarily. I know where she is and I know she is good and I know I will see her again, but I still want a baby. Brian said that I have been building this day up since she was born. I have been worrying and praying I would be pregnant by now so I would not have to deal with the pain. Monday was tough for me. I wanted to go and cry somewhere. I did. I let myself be sad. I was a little less sad on Tuesday, but still not quite myself. Wednesday brought a new wave of emotions, but not as sad. I think the pain is easing. I like to read and watch movies (I have seen Twilight 5 times) to keep my mind off of it. When I stop and think about my feelings, I am still soooo sad. I am not writing this for people to feel bad for me. I think it important for me to share my feelings for my own healing purposes. I pray that no one I know will have to go through this, but if they ever did, I hope they could see that they are not alone in their pain. I am so grateful to Nancy because she has been here before... Twice!! I called her crying and told her to tell me, "You are right. This sucks. This is not fair. Everything is NOT OK!!" I needed to hear it. I felt that way and she told me those words and I felt a little better not pretending to be okay. I know this will pass and I will be normal again soon, but for now, I am trying. I think this is all I can really do right now.:)

Thinking of my angel.

Well, today is the two month mark from Trevee's Birth and death. I was a little surprised at my reactions the last couple of days. I am happy and sad at the same time. Brian was telling me about someone he met. Without thinking, he told me his wife was expecting at the end of November. He continued with his story, but I did not hear a word. All I was thinking was that I should be having a baby at the end of November. My goal date was December 3rd. I had my baby in August and it was not fair. I want my baby at the end of November and I want her to be okay and happy and healthy and alive!!! Whew. Then I pause and take a minute to think of what I have been given since she was born. I have been given the opportunity to participate in things with my kids that I would have missed. I have been able to spend time with my great husband. I have been given a new primary class to teach. I have been given so much!! I have a perfect baby girl who came to this earth for a split second and went back home. I am happy and sad about this. I am grateful for the chances that I have been given in the last month to share my testimony and give comfort to others. I am grateful for the comfort others have given me. I am a little sad today, I guess this means I need to serve someone else. Anyone need anything?????

Be Grateful

I am grateful for what I have. I was telling Brenda that I am so grateful that I had Trevee. I am thankful for that whole experience. It reminded me that what is most important is Brian, my kids, my parents, Brian's parents, and all of my brothers and sisters (including my beloved in-laws). Losing Trevee reminded me that these people are what is truly important. My clean house is nice, but not more important than holding one of my kids. Brenda sent me a great talk that Boyd K. Packer gave in a testimony meeting in Utah. He said we all need to be prepared for the catastrophes that are yet to come. Trevee has reminded me that these things are the things that will get me through those times. I think she continues to teach me everyday and in turn, I teach you, my peeps!! jk As President Gordon B. Hinkley said:
Be Grateful, Be Smart, Be Clean, Be True, Be Humble, Be Prayerful.
These things will help us to be prepared and remember what really matters. I love you all!!!

I'm Back!!!

Okay, I went a whole day with no new posts. I know, amazing, huh.
Well, today was our church Primary Program and it was so fabulous. The kids all did great. It was so much fun being up on the stage watching the proud faces amongst all of the parents. I have the opportunity to teach the 11 year olds who are just a hoot! It is amazing how if you listen to them, they seem to listen to you. During the program, we sang the song I Am A Child Of God. The chorus goes:

Lead me, guide me, walk beside me
Help me find the way
Teach me all that I must do
To live with him someday.
When these great kids were singing this song today, it made me realize that they are talking to us. Their parents and friends and teachers. They NEED us to help them to find the way back to our Father in Heaven. I just had this little insight. I also wanted to share the 3rd and 4th verses of this song that my cousin, Torel, sang at Trevee's burial. They just touch my heart:

I am a child of God
Rich blessings are in store
Celestial glory shall be mine
If I can but endure.

I am a child of God
And now I've gone back home
I'm not so very far away
So please don't feel alone.

I know that these are special little spirits that have been saved for this day. I love my kids both in heaven and here on Earth. I love the kids I have the opportunity to teach and I hope we can all try to lead and guide them in the right direction so they can return to our Heavenly Father.

The hill is like heaven!!

READ THE NEXT POST FIRST.

Okay, here is another crazy post from Scottee!! So on my walk up the hill today, my mom and I likened it to getting to heaven. It is a hard walk. You will get cramps in your legs and have to pee. People will drive by in their nice cars and think, "Wow, that looks like a lot of work" or "Man, I really need to be doing that, but I don't have time today" or "man, she runs like Phoebe j/k". When we get to the top, there is a sense of accomplishment and I wanted all of my friends and family to be up there with me so they could get the same feeling. When I got to the bottom, I thought I was done and had done all I needed to do, but I had to climb back to the top and down again to get home.
So, this is where I get a little goofy. It is like trying to get to heaven. It is hard. You have to stay on the path so you don't get hit by a car. Others may point and laugh and some may want to do what you are doing, but don't want to put forth the effort. When we make it to heaven, we are going to want to have our family and friends around us and share the experience with them. I want all of you in Heaven with me because it is not fun to be at the top of the hill alone. When we get to the top, we are not done. We need so continue teaching and doing service and try hard until we get to go "Home".

Thinking of my angel.

People keep telling me I will have good and bad days. Nancy was saying that 5 years later, she still has her bad days. I think most of my days are good. I haven't cried about Trevee for a while. I guess I just get sad that she isn't going to experience the fun things with us. I won't be able to write the bad or funny things she does and says for all to read. She is perfect. She is happy. She is fulfilling her destiny. These are things I tell myself daily. I am happy for these things and they usually bring me comfort. Amazingly, I think about her less and less each day. I love her and I used to think about nothing but her, but I think she is helping me find the joy in my other kids from the other side. She has taught me that I need to cherish whatever I can get. Some people don't get ultrasounds because they want to be surprised. I think this is fine for some, but for me, I want to know everything about that baby every chance I get. Ultrasounds were the only time I got to see Trevee kick or punch or roll over. That is all I get to see. I can't imagine not having that. I guess today I am just thinking of my angel.
I found this on lds.org. Talk about comforting!!

On the subject of the resurrection of stillborn children, President Joseph Fielding Smith wrote: “There is no information given by revelation in regard to the status of stillborn children. However, I will express my personal opinion that we should have hope that these little ones will receive a resurrection and then belong to us. I cannot help feeling that this will be the case” (Doctrines of Salvation, comp. Bruce R. McConkie, 3 vols., [1954–56], 2:280).

The Lessons I Needed To Learn

Conference was this weekend. Some of you may not know that 2 times a year, the leaders of our church have a general conference where they talk to the whole membership of the church (13 million+ members) via tv. Yeah!! We get t stay in our jammies on Sunday. Well, this year, I learned many things and I would love to share some them with you, my "Peeps".

1. Say I love You more.
Brian's mom always says I love you and at first, I was like whoa, what do I say back? Well, of course I love her, but do you say that to someone besides your husband and kids? I learned this weekend that I want to be more like Brenda and say it to all of the people I love more often so they KNOW that I love them. So, I love you, too Brenda!!

2. You can be strong without being abrasive.
I can stand up for what I believe and not be ashamed of it. I don't have to force my beliefs on others, but I can share. Which leads me to my next point...

3. Be slow to being offended.
Most people don't intend to offend others when they talk. Maybe they are not good communicators. Maybe they are just shy, not snobby. Maybe they need me to be a friend because it is hard for them to make friends. Sometimes we can change our outlook about someone when we choose to not be offended by them, but to love them instead.

4. Pride is the opposite of unity.
Pride tears families and friendships apart. Pride makes us want to be right. Satan loves the contention that brings into a home.It is when we think of others first, not ourselves that we can truly find joy. Let's be united as a country, as a family, as people.

5. Serve, Serve, Serve!!!
If you feel bad for yourself, find someone to serve. There is always someone hurting more than you. Help them. Love them. Don't quit. Some people (like me) have a hard time accepting service, but we need to. When we reject service, we are keeping someone else from receiving the blessings that they would receive through us.

6. Find Joy in The NOW!!
Enjoy the messy house, the yelling kids, the minivan... Well, a cooler car would be nice, but enjoy it. Our kids will grow up. We will never get this time back. Love them. Hug them. Don't wait till the kids leave the house to show your husband how important he is to you. Tell him now. Show him now. What if later never comes? Do it now. Share the gospel now. Share your love now!!!

I love you all. I get so excited to get on my blog and see who has visited it. My mom says people used to talk on the phone, but this is like having a big party line. I appreciate all of your blogs. Many of you inspire me. Some of you make me laugh, some make me cry. I am thankful for this community that we have here. I am so thankful that I have the knowledge that I have and that I am able to continue to learn from living Prophets we have on the Earth here today. Would the Lord really have his children on the Earth today with all of the crappy stuff without someone who is inspired to guide them? I don't think so. I am thankful for each of you!!

The Plan of Salvation

My friend, Tara gave a fabulous lesson today in church about the plan of salvation. I know that I have a testimony of the plan, but I know that not everyone knows about it. We believe that before we came to Earth, Heavenly Father asked us if we wanted to come to Earth and receive a body. Everyone on Earth said yes. While we are here, we are tried and tested and after we die, we get to live again with our Heavenly Father if we live righteously here. This is a very condensed version of The Plan of Salvation, but I felt impressed today that I needed to share this on my blog. If anyone wants to know more, you can ask me or go to www.lds.org and put in The Plan of Salvation in the search box. If you don't want to look, that is okay by me and I won't be offended and I don't intend to offend or change anyone's beliefs. I just know the peace that this brings to me and with all of the crappy stuff going on in everyone's lives, that peace sure is nice. I hope you all have a great day!! Happy Sunday.