Thankful Thursday

What a year!! In the last 12 months, Charlee started Kindergarten, We prepared for and buried two of the best babies ever who deserve to be here with us, My parents have gotten a divorce after 30 years, I sold and moved out of my dream home that I designed and built with the best husband ever... and I survived.

Today, I am thankful that I made it. I hope there are easier times to come. I love my kids. I would do anything for them so they don't have to feel pain. I am thankful for a great husband who lets me cry when I need to and also makes me be strong. I can do this. I already did this. I am thankful for my beliefs in the Gospel of Jesus Christ. That is truly how I made it through this year. All in all, I would rank this is my crappiest years yet!! I am sure there are better years to come!

I Love The Temple

When I have a big decision to make, I like to go to the temple and ponder my question. I find it is easier to feel guidance from the Lord if I am in the quiet, lovely temple. I am scheduled to have surgery on Tuesday to have my tubes tied. I was not so sure of this decision. It tears me apart to think that there will be no more Barry babies, but I know that my body is not meant for having kids. In the temple with Brian, I realized that I have 3 beautiful children here as well as 2 little angels waiting for me in heaven. In our church, we believe that we have life before and after this life. We believe that we chose to come to this earth and have the challenges here to prove ourselves. Losing my babies was just another challenge and I am thankful for it. We believe that after we leave this earth, we will have a chance to learn and grow more. I will raise my sweet babies then. I will be able to add to my family then. People who can not have children in this life will be blessed to have children then, too. This is just what I believe. I do not think I could make the choice to end my child bearing options or live through a day without Journee or Trevee if I did not have faith in these principals. So, on to the doctor on Tuesday. I am most worried about not being able to eat for 8 hours. I get very grouchy if food is withheld from me.

A Rant From Scottee

So, I was telling Brian that I know that we don't need to have any more kids. I feel like there is no one else waiting to come down here to our family. After Trevee, I knew that Journee was waiting to come down here, but now I am at peace that we have all of our kids. I guess I may feel like someone is missing because 2 of my babies are not here on Earth with me. I don't mind seeing babies or pregnant women like I did after Trevee was born, but I still get bugged when people take these precious babies for granted. They are gifts from God and are his children. They need to be cherished and loved. I am guilty of yelling at my kids as all of us do on occasion, but we can't just think they come here easily. I don't like to see pregnant people smoke. Why does the drug abuser pregnant lady have a baby and I don't get to have my babies? Things like that bug me. Everyone, go hug your kids and be grateful that you have been entrusted to have them. Teach them the right way to be because you are accountable for it. Not for what they do in the long run, but for how we teach them. :)

Blame it on the Hormones.

I keep reading and hearing about people loosing babies. It is not supposed to be this way. They are supposed to get old and bury us. I never thought My husband and I would have to order a 18 inch pink casket. I cry when I hear about people loosing their sweet babies. I know why and I understand why, but it seems to be happening more now than ever. Or maybe it is something that touches my heart more fully now that I have one of my children in Heaven waiting for me. I get scared that this little baby may not come. I am sure this is a natural fear, but I want it here so badly. I will blame this post on the hormones... dry my eyes... and keep going... happily:)

9 weeks

So, I am thinking that it is probably normal to second guess yourself after loosing a baby. Did I do something wrong? Could I have changed the outlook? For me, the question has been, What if I realized I was leaking amniotic fluid sooner? Could I have been on antibiotics and held on a little longer? I was reading in my new pregnancy book that babies at 23 weeks can survive and babies at 24 weeks have a 50- 50 chance of growing into a healthy child. Trevee was born at 22 weeks. I was so close. I know that Trevee was not supposed to come to this Earth at this time, but I am sad. I feel like I could have done more. I am sure this has to do with my crazy, pregnant lady hormones, but I still wonder. I was just so close. I hope I can be observant enough this pregnancy to know if something happens. I was taking the doctors words as threats (Words like "early bedrest" and "early hospitalization"), but my friend told me that he was reassuring me. He wants to be very proactive and get me a healthy baby. I am really excited to go along with my nerves and fears. I saw my little lima bean in ultrasound yesterday. He or She knows that they are already loved. I worry about the bond. I did not really bond with Trevee and I know now that Heavenly Father was helping me to cope with what he knew was coming. I really want to bond with this little guy or girl. Everything will go great!! I need to remind myself of this point daily. What is supposed to happen will. I have faith in that:)

Pretty fat for 8 Weeks!!

(I took the pic last week!)

Thinking of my angel.

So, Yesterday was our "Goal Date" for Trevee's birth. Her actual due date was December 31st, but the 3rd would have been about my limit. Oaklee was born at 35 weeks and weighed 7 pounds. Charlee and Jaxson were both born at 36 weeks via C-Section and weighed 7.7 and 7.14. I always go early, but 22 weeks was not enough. I am sad because I want a baby. I realized that I don't even want Trevee necessarily. I know where she is and I know she is good and I know I will see her again, but I still want a baby. Brian said that I have been building this day up since she was born. I have been worrying and praying I would be pregnant by now so I would not have to deal with the pain. Monday was tough for me. I wanted to go and cry somewhere. I did. I let myself be sad. I was a little less sad on Tuesday, but still not quite myself. Wednesday brought a new wave of emotions, but not as sad. I think the pain is easing. I like to read and watch movies (I have seen Twilight 5 times) to keep my mind off of it. When I stop and think about my feelings, I am still soooo sad. I am not writing this for people to feel bad for me. I think it important for me to share my feelings for my own healing purposes. I pray that no one I know will have to go through this, but if they ever did, I hope they could see that they are not alone in their pain. I am so grateful to Nancy because she has been here before... Twice!! I called her crying and told her to tell me, "You are right. This sucks. This is not fair. Everything is NOT OK!!" I needed to hear it. I felt that way and she told me those words and I felt a little better not pretending to be okay. I know this will pass and I will be normal again soon, but for now, I am trying. I think this is all I can really do right now.:)

Thinking of my angel.

Well, today is the two month mark from Trevee's Birth and death. I was a little surprised at my reactions the last couple of days. I am happy and sad at the same time. Brian was telling me about someone he met. Without thinking, he told me his wife was expecting at the end of November. He continued with his story, but I did not hear a word. All I was thinking was that I should be having a baby at the end of November. My goal date was December 3rd. I had my baby in August and it was not fair. I want my baby at the end of November and I want her to be okay and happy and healthy and alive!!! Whew. Then I pause and take a minute to think of what I have been given since she was born. I have been given the opportunity to participate in things with my kids that I would have missed. I have been able to spend time with my great husband. I have been given a new primary class to teach. I have been given so much!! I have a perfect baby girl who came to this earth for a split second and went back home. I am happy and sad about this. I am grateful for the chances that I have been given in the last month to share my testimony and give comfort to others. I am grateful for the comfort others have given me. I am a little sad today, I guess this means I need to serve someone else. Anyone need anything?????

I found a new site for moms who have lost their angels. It is cute.

This one's for you Becky!!

http://latterdaykeepsakesangelbabies.blogspot.com/

Be Grateful

I am grateful for what I have. I was telling Brenda that I am so grateful that I had Trevee. I am thankful for that whole experience. It reminded me that what is most important is Brian, my kids, my parents, Brian's parents, and all of my brothers and sisters (including my beloved in-laws). Losing Trevee reminded me that these people are what is truly important. My clean house is nice, but not more important than holding one of my kids. Brenda sent me a great talk that Boyd K. Packer gave in a testimony meeting in Utah. He said we all need to be prepared for the catastrophes that are yet to come. Trevee has reminded me that these things are the things that will get me through those times. I think she continues to teach me everyday and in turn, I teach you, my peeps!! jk As President Gordon B. Hinkley said:
Be Grateful, Be Smart, Be Clean, Be True, Be Humble, Be Prayerful.
These things will help us to be prepared and remember what really matters. I love you all!!!

Thank You!!

My sweet visiting teachers, Donise and Kathy, brought by presents for my B-Day today. Donise made me the cutest little bracelet. She used Trevee's Birthstone and made it out of the really small block letters. She said she wanted it to be petite and small because that is the way Trevee was. Kathy brought me a cute Halloween prize with a pumpkin cookie cutter, so when you get pumpkin shaped cookies, you can thank her.

My cute bracelet!!

Isn't it funny how when we are little, we are asking for things for our birthdays the week after it is over for the next year? Yet when we get a little older, we forget it is our birthday. We were up in the middle of the night with Oaklee and Brian said, "Happy Birthday, Honey". I forgot it was my birthday. I guess 29 is not as exciting as 8, 16, 18, or 21!!

Remembering Trevee.

My sweet friend, Becky, had this link posted on her blog. I am too dumb to turn it into a link, but, you can visit the address on the bottom of the picture. It is so great that the United States is recognizing the pain that parents of lost children go through. To dedicate a whole day to these children is truly special...just like they are!!

Thinking of my angel.

People keep telling me I will have good and bad days. Nancy was saying that 5 years later, she still has her bad days. I think most of my days are good. I haven't cried about Trevee for a while. I guess I just get sad that she isn't going to experience the fun things with us. I won't be able to write the bad or funny things she does and says for all to read. She is perfect. She is happy. She is fulfilling her destiny. These are things I tell myself daily. I am happy for these things and they usually bring me comfort. Amazingly, I think about her less and less each day. I love her and I used to think about nothing but her, but I think she is helping me find the joy in my other kids from the other side. She has taught me that I need to cherish whatever I can get. Some people don't get ultrasounds because they want to be surprised. I think this is fine for some, but for me, I want to know everything about that baby every chance I get. Ultrasounds were the only time I got to see Trevee kick or punch or roll over. That is all I get to see. I can't imagine not having that. I guess today I am just thinking of my angel.
I found this on lds.org. Talk about comforting!!

On the subject of the resurrection of stillborn children, President Joseph Fielding Smith wrote: “There is no information given by revelation in regard to the status of stillborn children. However, I will express my personal opinion that we should have hope that these little ones will receive a resurrection and then belong to us. I cannot help feeling that this will be the case” (Doctrines of Salvation, comp. Bruce R. McConkie, 3 vols., [1954–56], 2:280).

Trevee's Grave

Last night, Brian and I were able to go to the temple together. On our way, we stopped for dinner and went by Trevee's grave. There was not a marker, so we are going to have to work on that, but it was weird because her's was the only grave not covered with grass. I guess I thought it would be covered over by now, but I forgot that it has not been 4 weeks since we buried her. I was kind of happy to see she is buried by a baby boy named John who only had one date on his stone, too. On the bottom of his plaque, it said, "Together Forever" (Totally Mormon!!). I told Brian that they could find each other in heaven and be like, "Hey, our bodies are next to each other!!" I know, I need to get a life, but it makes me happy to think that she will have a future one day.

Trevee's Room

I decided to post a few pics of Trevee's room before it gets turned back into an office or "Charlee's Art Room"(that is her vote). I decorated it all when we found out that she was a girl. I knew I would be down in bed, so I did it early. At first I was sad to go in there, but now I feel very peaceful when I do. Hope you enjoy.

Trevee Smiles!!

Totally Weird. The hospital gave me a disk with some pictures that they took of Trevee. I was scared to look at it because I was afraid that they would not be as nice as mine, but I was wrong. They posed her like a baby (Her huge booties are actually only 1 inch big) and she is smiling in the pictures. I know that sounds nuts, but she is. My aunt Jann always said that my babies came out smiling because everyone smiled within the first week, and Trevee was no exception. I do know that this is not possible, but look for yourself. Click on the picture to see her smile!! My beautiful baby girl is happy.

Trevee's hands and feet

This is baby Trevee's hands and feet. I put a quarter on the paper so you could see the actual size of her hands. They look fake, but they were perfect with 10 fingers and 10 toes.

Our trip to see mom

The kids came to the hospital to visit mom. Brian got them fries and nuggies from the cafeteria and they had a pic nic on the roll away bed. They were not as concerned about the IVs as we thought they may be. They all sat on my bed and visited me. The windows in the hospital are oval. It was so cute to see them all looking out the window. When Charlee came in and saw that I was doing okay, you could see this flood of relief come over her. I can't wait to grow up and be just like them.

The craziest week of my life.

On Monday, I was on bed rest watching tv and reading books to my kids. On Tuesday, I had a doctors appointment and we found out I was leaking amniotic fluid, so he sent me to Good Samaritan Hospital to meet with the PPA Doctors because I was only 21 weeks 6 days pregnant. The PPA Doctors are some of the best in the country, so I felt that there was still a chance. That evening they did a amniocentesis and found out there was 4 out of 5 bacteria present in my fluid. They said there was no way baby Trevee would make it. They induced labor on Wednesday and after hours of labor, our beautiful 14.8 oz baby girl was born. She was not breathing, but she was perfect. She had 2 ears, 10 fingers, 10 toes, and a nose resembling Oaklee's. We got to hold her sweet body for as long as we wanted. They dressed her in a beautiful white dress and a hat that Brian said looked like Marge Simpson. She was so beautiful. They had to take me to surgery because I had lost a lot of blood and they could not get the bleeding to stop. Brian, My mom, Brian's mom, My Greg and Nancy, and Rich were all there to hold my sweet angel. After a blood transfusion on Thursday, my color started to come back a little and they let me go home on Friday. We buried Trevee Sue Barry at the Mesa cemetery on Saturday morning. WHEEW!!

I am sad. I figure I will be sad for quite a while, but I feel so blessed as well. Brian and I were able to give Trevee her body. Our loving Heavenly Father trusted us to be her means to Earth. She was here. She was beautiful and I am so thankful to have her in my family. The kids are taking it well. They ask questions and say funny things. They love Trevee and say that they miss her. GoGo made them baby Trevee books with some of the more covered pictures so they could look at her anytime they want. We have a box of her clothes and they can see how small they were. They love that and I think it gives them comfort. She will always be with them. I am so thankful for the plan of salvation and the knowledge I have about life and death. I am so thankful for all of my friends and family and even strangers for their service, love, and prayers. I am sure lots of blogs are still to come as my heart and mind absorb more. I love you all, and Thank You. Just click on the pictures to see them up close.

- Scottee Lyn